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Over 34 Years of Experience | Locally Owned
Over 34 Years of ExperienceLocally Owned
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New Year's Resolutions
Question: "Every year I make a New Year's Resolution that I have every intention of keeping. Every year I break my resolution or forget about it. Suggestions?"
Answer: Your question is a great example of trying to change a behavior without changing the beliefs that are "fueling" the behavior. All of us have pictures of ourselves inside us that influence how we interact with others, how we view ourselves, and how we view the world around us. These beliefs are so integrated into our personality that we may have trouble recognizing them ourselves.
For an example, let's look at Kenny who has come to realize that he is constantly doing things for other people and he does not feel like other people appreciate all of his sacrifices. He is the guy that always gets the job done - stays late, comes to get you when you need a ride, helps others out in a tight spot - but he realizes he does not spend enough time at home with his family. This year for a New Year's Resolution he decides to change his behavior - no more Mr. Nice Guy. Soon, he forgets his New Year's Resolution and before long, Kenny is back in the same old problem.
What could he have done differently? This time, he could look at the belief that he has about not being able to say no to others. Possibly in his family of origin, he got noticed or felt like he belonged when he pleased others. Possibly, he received benefits as a child for pleasing behaviors. As an adult, he continues to attempt to gain significance in a way that worked for him in his family of origin.
As an adult, he has choices - he can decide if the behavior of pleasing is still "working" for him. By working for him, I mean - does the childhood behavior still give him a feeling of significance? Perhaps he would gain more significance now as adult by not being so pleasing toward others and by changing his belief to something like "I feel significant and I feel like I belong when I put my family first" and/or "Pleasing others is an old behavior that may not work for me any longer."
Once you are able to change your beliefs, the behaviors will follow. You will catch yourself in the old patterns of behavior - good for you for catching yourself. Be kind and patient with yourself while you are learning new behaviors that go with your new beliefs about yourself, others, and the world.
Irritable Husband
Question:
My husband is starting a new, high-pressure job. I am proud of him, but he is "driving me crazy." He is short-tempered with the children and with me. I am not sure what is going on with him because he won't talk to me.
Answer: Good for you for realizing your husband's plight and also for realizing that he is dealing with feelings that probably have nothing to do with you or your relationship. His behaviors are probably based on his feelings and beliefs about himself and his abilities in his new, stressful position. Any type of change, positive or negative, creates stress, but a business readjustment ranks in the top 15 on a well-known stress rating scale. I would encourage you to take responsibility for yourself and not become overly responsible for him or "co-dependent."
The effects of stress can be divided into three areas:
- A lack of maintaining a healthy lifestyle;
- Physiological sensations; and
- A person's irrational thoughts or beliefs.
Maintaining a healthy lifestyle such as good eating habits, physical activity, appropriate use of leisure time, no drugs or alcohol, etc, all relate to living a healthy lifestyle and managing stress. These areas seem deceptively simple, but each one is crucial in maintaining a healthy, stress-free attitude.
Stress is often accompanied by physiological sensations such as increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, quick, shallow breathing, sweaty palms, headaches, restlessness, sleeplessness, and fatigue. If a person is experiencing these physiological sensations and is not aware of the effects of stress, they may feel fearful or concerned. Many times, emergency room hospital visits are because of physiological symptoms of stress, but the person thinks they are having a heart attack.
There is a relationship between a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. An individual's irrational beliefs lead to emotional disturbance and self-defeating behaviors. An example of an irrational belief is "I must do everything perfectly. If I don't, others will not respect (like) me." These emotional beliefs create stress, can immobilize a person and erode self-confidence. A quote from Shakespeare exemplifies the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors - "Things are neither good nor bad, but thinking makes them so."
Here are a few suggestions to help things go smoother at home. This is a time in your marriage to not make any major changes or do things differently. For a period of time, you could create a "stress-less" cushion around your husband at home. This may seem impossible, but you probably have some choices you could make to help things go smoother when he is home. Perhaps, you could keep the neighbor's children when he is not at home and a neighbor could keep your children during the dinner hour so that you and he could have some quiet time together. Be creative!
Let him know you understand he is feeling overwhelmed with the new demands upon him, a simple, but powerful message. Try noticing him and his feelings by commenting to him, "You have been under a lot of pressure these last few weeks and you must be feeling overwhelmed."
At a time when he seems relaxed, ask him what you could do to make this stressful time easier for him. My hunch is that he won't know of anything, but what he needs most is to know that you believe in him. One couple decided that once a day, she would tell him that she believed in him and appreciated his hard work.
When you use these suggestions, use them with an understanding attitude. From your question, I might assume that you are feeling frustrated and overwhelmed yourself. Look back over the three areas of stress: maintaining a healthy lifestyle, the physiological sensations, and your irrational beliefs, and do a mental check while thinking about yourself. After all, living with a stressed person is in itself stressful.
Feelings for Wife Changing
Question: I would say that my wife and I are happily married - at least most of the time. Occasionally, we fight (more like loudly disagree) but nothing ever gets settled. We each sleep on our side of the bed the night of the fight and the subject we fought about is just forgotten. I don't feel as close as I once did to my wife but I do still feel love and care a great deal for her.
The next stage of a relationship is called the "Power Struggle" stage. The power struggle can take on many forms. The most obvious power struggle is when the two individuals actually do struggle - over the children, discipline of the children, whose money is used for what, who should and should not pursue the other sexually, which religion you will participate in, etc. Interestingly, the couple may or may not realize that each one of them is participating in the struggle - usually one thinks the other one is being difficult, argumentative, or just plain stubborn. This struggle must be dealt with and many couples simply do not know how to go about dealing with this "thing".
Unfortunately, we have not been taught how to improve communication with our significant other - at school, at church, by peers, and probably not by our parents. One of you may feel shut down emotionally, scared and maybe even (at some level) feel threatened by the other who seems to be demanding that the issue be discussed. The demanding one may be confused, scared and feel abandoned by the withdrawing partner and is just as scared (under all the noise) as the quiet one. At this point, the fight or misunderstanding is occurring between two scared people who do not understand what is happening to them.
There are a variety of ways to get out of the power struggle. Some people kill themselves, kill the significant other, go crazy, do drugs or alcohol, divorce, or live parallel lives. This may seem extreme to you as you read it but look in any newspaper and you will see just how passionate a subject we are discussing here - love is a passionate subject.
You are a person who still cares deeply for your spouse and this is a great time to work together to overcome some of the old "easy" habits that you and your spouse have grown accustoed to using when communicating with each other. Therapy is a great option for you and your spouse. Take the time right now to "gift" yourself and your spouse with a couples workshop or 10 to 12 sessions with a therapist to help you develop new patterns of communication and learn how to get past the "Power Struggle" and move into "Real Love."
Children's Feelings / Parent's Response
Question:
I am divorced and a single parent. One of the hardest things for me is dealing with my children. When I pick them up from my ex-husband, they say various things, such as, "I do not want to go (with me)", " I hate you" and occasionally they cry, "I do not want to go (for visitation)." I realize that I have to share my children with my ex-husband, but dealing with some of the children's behaviors and statements is very confusing and I feel at a loss.
Answer:
First of all, you should expect some of these types of behaviors from your children. As adults, we have adapted to being able to quickly shift gears from one situation to another. Children may be too young or may not have learned this "shifting gears" coping strategy. They may need time to adjust to the "transfer" from one parent to another. Occasionally, children make the transfer by making statements, being agitated or angry, or appearing withdrawn or restless.
Now to answer your question! There is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave. When children feel "right", they will behave. You can help children to feel "right" by accepting their feelings. The problem with most parents is that they usually do not accept their children's feelings. Before you deny doing this to your children, how many of these responses to your children's expressions of feelings have you used?
- "You don't really feel that way." "You're just saying that because you're tired."
- "There is no reason to be so upset."
- "Don't talk that way."
- "Well, did you do something to him first?"
- "Go to your room until you can put a smile on your face."
"Uneven parenting" is simply a fact. There is NO WAY parents can fulfill every child's need, every time. When we as parents (spouses, employers, friends) deny the child's feelings, give advice, pity, question the child, or become amateur psychotherapists we are using uneven parenting strategies. I suggest four possible ways to give aid to a child in distress:
- By listening with full attention;
- By acknowledging the child's feelings with a word;
- By giving a name to the child's feelings; and
- By granting the child their wishes.
Let's take your specific statements and first respond in an "uneven way" then practice responding in an "even" way.
"Take One" (Uneven Parenting)
Child: I don't want to go (with me). Parent: Sure you do. You'll feel better when we get home.
Child: No, I won't. I don't want to go.
Parent: I don't want to hear you say that again. Don't you like me?
Child: I hate you!
Parent: I can't believe that you could say a thing like that. You know I love you more than anything in the world and I would do anything for you.
"Take Two" (Even Parenting)
Child: I don't want to go (with me).
Parent: Right now you are having a good time and you wish you could stay.
Child: I don't want to go, I want to stay.
Parent: You've had a great visit and you really don't want it to end.
Child: I hate you!
Parent: Boy, you're really angry (at me) right now.
"Take One" (Uneven Parenting)
Child: I don't want to go (for visitation).
Parent: You know you have to go.
Child: (whining) But I don't want to go. Parent: Why not? What's wrong? Has something happened?
"Take Two” (Even Parenting)
Child: I don't want to go (for visitation).
Parent: You're not sure you want to go to dad's (mom's) this weekend.
Child: (whining) I don't want to go.
Parent: It's not easy living in two places. I wish I could make this easier for you right now!
In "Take One", the parent is not listening to the child. The parent is responding to what they "think" the child is saying which is, I don't want to be with you or I don't love you. The overreacting parent's response denies the child's feelings and begins to send a message that it is not OK to have or talk about certain feelings. Questioning may alarm the child or send a message to the child that they are bad.
The parent in "Take Two" truly listens to what the child is saying and reflects the child's feelings. This encourages the child to open up even more and talk to the safe, nurturing, understanding parent. The child learns that all feelings are OK and for a child that translates to I'm OK!
It takes practice and concentration to be able to look into (and beyond) what a child says to identify what the child might be feeling. Giving our children a vocabulary for their inner reality is an important skill. As a parent, catching yourself reacting to the child's statements is important. Once a parent can simply listen and respond, without reacting, the child will open up their "hearts" to their empathetic, understanding parent.
Suicide Don'ts
(Adapted from B. Gurnell)
- Don't preach
- Don't criticize
- Don't argue the pros and cons
- Don't be misled if the person says the crisis is past
- Don't deny the person's suicidal thoughts
- Don't challenge to shock
- Don't leave the person isolated and unobserved
- Don't analyze behavior during serious phase
- Don't confront with interpretations during serious phase
- Don't be passive
- Don't overreact. Keep calm
- Don't forget to follow-up
- Don't keep it a secret
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